Day 30 — the messy one
“All I Know So Far” P!nk
This piece was written listening to a song, in case you want to sip it the same way, here is the link to Spotify and this is of course a complete personal interpretation of the song.
This for sure is the messiest article of them all until now. But I guess I cannot write my ideas otherwise. So I let it be, at least trying to separate it into chunks.
I’m not 30 anymore, I’m 31. I chose to use my thirties to make me realize how much I’ve changed the way I walk through life. Making me rather thankful for my thirties.
That’s all I know so far
Now I’m saying less sorry or making excuses, I’m definitely still practicing. Before I used to think right away that anything was probably my fault — so I feel like it’s a long way from where I started.
My environment had taught me that that was the better behavior, and it also inclined me to unconsciously become obsessed with my behavior. I had so many prejudices written in stone, that it was hard, very very hard to erase them. The result was me dedicating an excessive amount of time studying every move to know if I had done something wrong or not.
From what I know now, the world makes me less dizzy if it’s not rotating around few rules that are different for every one.
First, I turned into denial so completely dismissing whatever the firewall of my conscience had been. I went ahead and fired everything that went through my mind, regardless if it was hurtful or too controversial. As soon as I realized that I wasn’t comfortable enough and that the problem was not that I couldn’t say what I wanted — I could have continued, but let’s say my nature didn’t find it amusing.
So the next part was to dismiss my wants — and that was effortless, not to look for my self-interest, my preferences. Because anyway, those were difficult to name anyway.
It quickly becomes something that made me believe that the world had to be considerate of my feelings as well. As I was obsessed with being considerate with everyone else. Like I could be the mighty judge of who was or not considerate enough.
Then I read a book about how humans relations are the source of all problems. And since then, I’ve dropped any strategy that I may have had, and let’s say I want to observe my reactions rather than plan my position. Listening to my true nature — which I still have to get to know — . Basically I forgot sometimes the spontaneity that makes me most who I am.
Now I adore the moments and the people with who I can be spontaneous with, with who I don’t think for one second the consequences of my behaviour.
And I will dare say that spontaneity is the key to a respectful and fun society.
Another thing (that I know so far) is how I believed that I had to react quickly to something because it would mean that I cared and that I was paying attention. I didn’t take time to process. Again, I’m still practicing but now I’m letting sink in what the other person is telling me, internalizing the story. Because otherwise it’s just a mere quick fast tracked answer without deeper meaning.
I see now how the accelerated rhythm of my quick reactions are sometimes walking a different path than I wanted.
The enthusiasm I had in my younger years seeded friendships and relationships that I could never have dreamed of. I didn’t know but they were watching and appreciating what I brought to their lives.
Sometimes I doubt if I was a bit too generous because it always meant to not make myself important and that was nothing unusual. I didn’t have to feel appreciated, and that was the standard. So I just carried on. On the other hand, I wouldn’t be enjoying the love around me that I have right now. It’s unbelievable.
But. Now I’m not so generous.
And also the enthusiasm is kind of wearing off.
I have slips but I’m definitely laying back. I decided to rest and the dearest part is that I’m fine with it. At least now, at this age. I want to let things happen to me the same way I made them happen before. I guess that’s what you could call change.
I was generous. And I guess what I know so far is that I don’t want to forget that I can decide when to be or not to be — now that life is a bit more betraying and that I feel tired.
I wish someone would have told me that this life is ours to choose
I thought that someone would always be by my side to figure out myself. At least that’s all I wanted.
To figure out the hardships and to enjoy the moments of life that I felt I could explode with happiness.
And I expected that someone would give me the ultimate happiness. And I thought that someone was going to be my buddy until the end of time. But it seems that those exploding bursts of happiness are inside me and that the hardships I can tumble through them okay by myself. And that is good. One should feel like they are strong enough to tumble through life without help. That’s like the ultimate confidence. It’s also good to feel strong and confident in yourself and your own resources. It’s good to not count always on someone resolving life mysteries for you; and I might add specially if you’re a girl.
No one’s handing you the keys or a book with all the rules
It was funny how I thought that my path would be written with my born-merits. And that somehow life would be like, -“here, you deserve this spot”. And I dismissed the effort. I thought it was cool that I could navigate like a brainy girl that few things could challenge me. Now what challenges me is the lack of effort on my own habits. I discovered later how those who were not having it easy, were the ones who learned that uphill lesson of life.
But anyway, what do I know, and maybe they also think other classmates have it better. Nowadays nothing is enough.
Nobody will be able to explain to me why life is behaving the way it behaves in front of us. It’s like I want to understand it, I want to know what produces which outcomes, which decisions are the ones that will lead me to the best possible life.
But for real, is it really about understanding everything? Or about trying to live like every day is a new chapter? Maybe with the innocence of a toddler and the spark of a teenager? Is it either about planning it out and make life become the planned dream? Or is it about letting life unfold into an undreamed dream?
The little that I know I’ll tell to you
When they dress you up in lies and you’re left naked with the truth
I see so many different lives, so many different rules of thumb. And yet it really seems like nobody has figured it out. The famous people who have it all, they’ve also have gone through depressions, making friends in the sadness with the common poor mortals, unknown by most.
Everywhere I look I see ads about making me richer, making me prettier, making me happier, or even trying to make me dwell more in the sadness so I can consume their product. And oh man, isn’t it so easy to dodge those marketing slogans? Why would I believe a shiny video or collection of testimonials paired to a discount code? More and more lies. And that’s how part of the world earns their bread, white-lying to make most sells.
And the lies pile up with all the chatter that someone works on you to fulfill their interest -let it be something unsubstantial. Like bettering fame, social status, or killing time. I’d say it’s unintentional. It’s simply how we work. We get the ghost of an improvement in return or otherwise we will not look for those glowy people to amuse our lives. To feel like we are wiser, prettier, richer, smarter…
And when the storm’s out, you run in the rain
Put your sword down, dive right into the pain
…Stay unfiltered and loud,
you’ll be proud of that skin full of scars
The past can seem fake because the present doesn’t have anything to do with it. It’s like living a second life. And I remember who I was before and I don’t want to either forget it or deny it, nor let it be. But it can still be very well closed up in the memories that I don’t have to share.
I pretended that I didn’t have any scars. I pretended that I was too insignificant to give importance to the scars I felt. And for some time I tried to cover it with smoke and nights out. My goal was to become the opposite of what I was. In order to try to build a new me. At least for once, I was deciding myself what I wanted to do. I tried to become the full reality of what my filtered life had been lacking.
I had let myself be under that censorship without realizing that it was my choice to step out… That was embarrassing and it was not something I’m proud of. I had been lured into a life that was not where I belonged.
Now it’s over, now the scars are there to speak for who wants to hear about them. And I will be proud to tell my kin. And I learned that all happened for a reason.
And I’ll give myself the merit of running away on time.
I’ll give myself the merit of yearning for living unfiltered, free and ready to discover my own path even though I only knew one kind of life.
I wasn’t born a renegade
I was born to love everyone around me and care for their needs but not myself. I was taught to just pay attention to the rest of the people. And I guess I’m becoming the renegade who wants to care less and put limits and to be selfish. And to don’t give a damn about the rest of the world unless it’s troubling me. Yes, selfish.
It’s not what I was raised to be. So therefore, call me a renegade. When the good intentions won’t shield me, I will rather be a renegade.
They can’t tell you to change who you are
That’s all I know so far
I guess we listen too much to other people’s opinions, at least I did. And I don’t blame anyone not even myself. I just know a bit better now.
I believed in them with the innocence that an underage can have. I first trusted other people to lead me. Now I know I was probably just a plus in their statistics. I was not aware that nobody could tell who I can be. Or how I want to live my life.
And to the people who expect me to change according to their rules and believes… it’s just another chance to prove that I will not change for them. Only for me and for who I choose. Selfish.
So you might give yourself away, yeah
And pay full price for each mistake
Not always it’s possible to see it coming. The trust given can be shattered so quickly that it’s vertiginous on how thin our friends, family or any relationships stand.
I have been misunderstood and people haven’t heard my rumbling throughout a night that cannot let me sleep. After a mistake, the good-hearted can suffer from it for a lifetime.
I wish someone would have told me that this darkness comes and goes
With some songs, I feel that the moment and the circumstances create the best set for a personal concert. Every time they bring me a better understanding of myself or of the world so I want to remember that.
